Is This All There Is?

 

Lately, I have been getting anxiety. I’ve been sad – a lot. 

I’ve felt like the world is caving in, not around me, but on me. My body aches. The migraines make me clench my head and barrow in my bed, with just a glass of water and my dimly lit iPhone.

My partner is still living – not just doing, but living. Going on about his life, and of course, he should. 

But I, I am hurting inside. Scared inside. Horrid at my emotions. 

I question, what is wrong with me. I use to be that happy go lucky girl. Sure, I was an introvert, but I was happy and not anxious, nor was I sad. 

Now, I am anxious, unsure and uncertain. I am left wondering why.

I look around me in my classes and see every other law student getting better marks than me, at work, I ponder, why am I even here. And then the questions come down on me, like a ton of bricks, one question in particular runs through my mind when I wake up throughout the night. 

Is this my life?

Am I going to work for the rest of my life and find satisfaction in the small things. Am I going to be that person who confines themselves to the habitual prisons that I and everyone else was born into? 

I ask myself – Is this all there is? 

The world depresses me. 

Right now I need to stop. I need to take a good look at myself. 

How can I keep living my life feeling like this? 

What does my soul need in this wrecked world? 

How can I find solace to find myself, again?